If you have read my last few posts, you are aware that I am interested in a woman, S, and, for the first time in years, have made the decision to pursue her further and see if we can grow our relationship in some way. This started 8 days ago and, while there have been high points, the whole thing could be best described as self-imposed torture.
All of this is due to my BPD and the insecurities that I bring into relationships. If I’m not mistaken, I think I posted a quote from the I Ching reading I did on the matter where I was told to expect trials and that the situation will test me and allow me to overcome these insecurities. Well, I am certainly being tested.
I’m going to speak honestly now about what is going on in my head to shine some light on how people with BPD experience what I imagine is a fairly typical courting process. If it seems like my emotions are a bit more intense than they should be for the current situation, you are absolutely correct.
I’ve known S, casually, for about 8 or 9 months. I’ve always thought she was cute and she seems to have her shit together. We’ve always enjoyed easy conversation and have been pretty open with each other about some of our more difficult struggles. Last Sunday, we wound up, unexpectedly, spending the afternoon together. It was the most time either of us had ever spent together and I really enjoyed it and that’s what started everything. I processed our time together and decided to send her a text, telling her that I like the way I feel when I’m with her and that I want to start spending more time with her. She responded very positively and we’ve been trying to coordinate getting together for a meal tomorrow night since then.
I am looking back at what I just wrote and it’s putting into perspective how much I’ve jumped the rails. Fun fact: people with BPD fall in love ridiculously quickly. I fell in love with her last Sunday and that’s really the problem and I think I’m just realizing this now.
In my head, we’re already together, which is very much not the case. Based on our communications, I believe there is a good chance that something positive will happen between us. I know she loves me and it seems like she wants to get to know me better. I guess that that is exactly what should be happening in a situation like this. But I skipped that phase. I want to phone her and unpack the insanely intense love that I’ve been feeling toward her and I want her to do the same to me. That isn’t going to happen as it shouldn’t.
It comes down to uncertainty and my irrational fear of abandonment. I should be happy with how things are going. Every communication that I’ve received from her, every single one, has been positive. And after getting a text or talking on the phone with her, I always feel fantastic because those communications reinforce that things are moving the right direction but it always fades. My brain (and it’s doing it right at this moment) is trying to get me to sabotage this relationship before it even becomes a relationship. It knows that my quality of life will significantly improve if S and I become involved romantically but it also knows that that relationship will eventually have to end (even if it’s after 30 happy years) and may very well do something to fuck up this relationship before it even gets off of the ground.
It’s horrible. I want to just tell her everything (this is the self-sabotage). Getting all of this off of my chest would make me feel so much better but it would also all but guarantee that our relationship would never become anything more than what it already is. I know there is so much potential for good if I can push through this discomfort. I’m supposed to have dinner at her place tomorrow. If I can just make it to that meal, I think we’ll be having a substantial conversation about where we’d like our relationship to go.
I love her and it’s causing me to tear myself apart. If tomorrow night gets postponed or something, I might just have to call this whole thing off. Actually, if it gets postponed maybe I will tell her a little about what’s going on (see that self-sabotage slipping in?). I don’t know. I feel awful. If I were to hear from her, I’d feel fantastic. The whole thing is just… I don’t know. I just want to stop torturing myself.