Slowly Recovering

It’s been almost exactly two weeks since I became dysregulated. In addition to the whole ‘love’ thing I dealt with, I realized that I also had had a very triggering conversation with my father two weeks ago that I think contributed to this episode more than I originally thought.

I’m still a bit off. When I woke up this morning, I had the instant anxiety that I had back in December which I’m actually reading as a good thing. I’ve got unpleasantness happening but it’s familiar and, because of that, I’m much more open to believing that the discomfort will ultimately pass. It’s just a matter of figuring out how to spend my Sunday afternoon to give myself the best shot at continuing to recover.

It’s weird. I think I’d like to work on my book a little but I’m scared to commit and then not do it and feel guilty about not doing something I have no obligation to do anyway. Neurotic much? I’ll definitely be doing a loving kindness meditation (as soon as the Masters is over). I’ve identified my critic voice. It’s that mean mother fucker that tears me apart on a regular basis. I haven’t figured out a super effective means of dealing with it yet so I’ve started to do a metta (loving kindness) meditation every day where I send love to that voice. Beat hate and fear with love, right? I’ll let you know how it goes.

Yeah, I’m just looking ahead at my day and I’m getting the same feeling I always get, though I think I’m better equipped to deal with it today. I’ve got tons of time to do what I want to today. I become scared of doing the ‘wrong’ thing and fall into a ruminative cycle where I accomplish nothing and want to (sometimes) kill myself. Over how to spend a Sunday afternoon. And that cues the critic voice and it all just gets very nasty. And confusing. So, I need to wrap this up before I start overthinking things.

Here’s my weekly video talking about some of this: Something of a Mess. Hopefully, I’ll feel well enough next week to do a specific topic…

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