My daughter has been bugging me for several months to watch Avengers Infinity War. With the new Avengers movie coming out this weekend, I decided that I might as well watch it. I put it on Friday night with the expectation that I’d enjoy a fun superhero movie. That isn’t what happened.
I’m not going to go into what happened that much because I’m still recovering from it. Here’s the spoiler: with about 10 minutes left in the film, the bad guy, Thanos, killed half of all the living beings in the universe. I lost it. I had to turn to movie off at that point. Even though I knew it was make believe, I felt like the genocide in the film had actually happened.
It was horrible. I finally fell asleep at about 2am. When I woke up Saturday morning, it still felt real. I felt for the dog that sleeps with me. She was there. I heard my roommate and the other dog. Of course, they were there. Nobody had gone anywhere. I knew that but still felt as if 50% of the people I know and love were gone. It felt so real. Try to imagine how you would feel is something like that actually happened… that’s what I dealt with for most of yesterday (it started to let up a bit last night).
Now that I’m feeling a bit better, I’m trying to not dig into what happened so I don’t accidentally trigger myself again. I’ll save it for my session with my therapist Thursday. I’m fairly certain this is related to the trouble with abandonment that most people with BPD struggle with. I’m glad it has passed. I have never felt grief like that before and hope I never do again.