My healing process is on track and, while I still have day-to-day ups and downs, I am definitely heading in the right direction.
Recently I’ve theorized, and my therapist has confirmed, that the bulk of my psychic discomfort originates from the cPTSD I developed a long time ago. I came to greater acceptance of that yesterday. I was feeling my typical unease. My mind made a post hoc rationalization and blamed it on a problem I was having with being paid at work. That pay problem was resolved yesterday and, lo and behold, my negative emotional state didn’t budge.
It sucks that these problems are buried so deep. There’s a lot of good news though. I’ve been doing a lot of good work and am much, much better at handling these emotions. I know I can handle them. I know they’ll eventually go away. I have tools I can use to help me through them (thank you, DBT).
Some more good news is that I’ll be starting exposure therapy soon and addressing these underlying issues. Personally, I have a difficult time accessing these issues. Fortunately, I live in a period where we are experiencing a renaissance in the use of psychedelics to assist in treating these sorts of things.
A few weeks from now, I will sit down with a woman who works with psychedelics to help for cases just like this. With her assistance, I’ll consume about a gram of psilocybe cubensis (magic mushrooms). My therapist will be able to observe and, with the information that I can get at with the help of the psilocybin and the woman performing the plant medicine ceremony, we will use the integration she performs based on that as the starting point to launch into a period of serious exposure therapy. I am very excited to have the opportunity to be involved in this sort of ceremony and consider myself very fortunate.
With any luck, this will be the beginning of the end. It’s taken a very long time but, with the help of my therapist and a few key others, I’ve been slowly beating back the mental illness problems that have plagued me for over two decades. I’m already in a place where I’m healthier than I have been in a very, very (10+ years) long time. I suspect that I no longer meet the diagnostic criteria for borderline personality disorder. I think that, once the exposure therapy is complete, I’m going to be as close to mentally healthy as I can reasonably expect to be.