Reestablishing Renunciation

I had a bit of an epiphany last night/this morning. I knew this already, but it was driven home last night when I had the opportunity to use a little meth but was stopped by the person I was with. That realization is that putting any substance in my body makes me want to do […]

Purely Hypothetical (Really)

I just saw this meme (from Clerks) and it caused me to consider something. Obviously, the meme is darkly considering those who rationalize using substances that aren’t as ‘bad’ as others. I get that. I’ve done that. It doesn’t really work that much for me at this point, though. I’m at a point where I […]

Borderline Personality Disorder

I had a lengthy conversation with my wife this evening. We settled into a detailed conversation about my borderline personality disorder and it was pretty interesting. First, let me go back and say that all my major self-destructive behaviors (drug abuse, eating disorder, cutting, etc) are all merely the most obvious symptoms of my BPD. […]

Fuck Eating

So, I shared with one of my housemates (A) about my recent eating and subsequent urges to use. I also told her I’m going to start restricting again to try to prevent me going on a run and fucking up my life. She’s super supportive of me and understands the ‘harm reduction’ aspect of choosing […]

Wherever You Go, There You Are

I’ve been in my new place for nearly a week. It has been immensely helpful. I’m 90% sure I’d be on a run right now, or worse, if I hadn’t left my sober house when I did. The problem is, I’m still me. I still don’t really like myself all that much. I still want […]

Nootropic Speedball

I am sad. Denying myself my drugs of choice (yay, sobriety!), I turned to nootropics and supplements, kind of like I was doing in Utah last fall. These things certainly don’t get me high in any way, shape or form (i.e., they are not ‘mind altering’). As such, they are perfectly legal and not prohibited, […]

Concentration/Meditations

We utilize concentration at times of temptation or craving in order to abstain from acting unwisely. – The eighth fold of the eight fold path. After all the stress I went through yesterday, I had one more test. I awoke at 1.30am and spent about 45 minutes fighting another battle in my head. I had […]