My Mind is Spinning

Ugh. I took some of my Hydroxycut this morning. Mistake. I shouldn’t be augmenting my eating disorder and it fucks with my head. That, coupled with some of the idiots I live with, is making it hard to work at the moment. So, I’m taking time out to post a little, read a little and, […]

Unstable

This morning, I was thinking it was going to be very difficult to get through the day without a relapse. Then, while walking to see my wife, the idea of renunciation popped into my head and I felt a lot better. I’m now on the bus to the EDA meeting and feeling kinda crappy again […]

Equanimity Meditation

I went to two Refuge Recovery meetings today. I got to do the equanimity meditation at each one. It was a very different experience. A little background first… That particular meditation focuses on how we’re responsible for our own actions, can’t control others’ actions and that suffering comes from our relationship to suffering and not […]

FINE

Fucked up Irrational Neurotic Emotional For those of you not as familiar with modern psychological treatment, this acronym is commonly understood amongst the patients and, I assume, the professionals too. Whenever one of us says that “we’re fine”, we are lying. I just read, and identified, with this (https://pin.it/maqgiiu2y7apef) on Pinterest. This in turn made […]

Burn it. Burn it All to the Ground.

This feeling my pass. It may not. I don’t care. Fuck eating. Fuck staying clean. I’m ready to fucking torch everything and run myself into nothingness. I’m starving myself and, while not directly going out and getting drugs, seem to be doing a damn fine job of setting myself up to relapse. I’m so fucking […]

Ugly Last Few Days

First, I’d like to say that I’m pleased that I haven’t relapsed over the last couple of days. I feel like it’s been very touch and go lately. Even today, I almost didn’t go to meetings at the Alano Club because I was legitimately scared that I might hop off the bus in the ‘wrong […]

Breaking Bad

I binge watched the first four seasons of Breaking Bad in rehab this summer. Granted, it probably wasn’t the best choice of programming for that particular venue, but I was manic at the time and only sleeping about 3 hours every night. So, pretty much every morning, from 2am to 6am, I would curl up […]