Existential Crisis (TW – Suicidal Ideation)

I finally watched the season opener of Doctor Who just now. I spent most of the time trying to relax my jaw which I think has been clenched for a long time (months?). I’m still catching myself and having to consciously unclench it over and over again. I’m a couple days of cannabis and tapering […]

I Walked Away.

I was at the bus stop. Across the street were a man and a woman. I recognized them from my bus ride into NW to go to the Alano Club. I noticed them because their appearance strongly indicated they were addicts. So, that thought was already in my head. Now, across the street, they each […]

Impulsive Behavior

It’s been a while (I think) since I’ve spoken about E. Here’s a quick recap (since I have yet to figure out an efficient way of searching WordPress blogs): Eating Disordered Heroin Addict. We met at rehab Summer 2017. I helped her come to Portland in December of last year to go to treatment with […]

Why I Use

I’ve learned a lot about drugs and addiction over the last several years. 12 step programs will tell you that this knowledge will not keep you clean and, by their standard, they’ve been correct (at least for me). When I started using, if asked why I was doing it, I imagine I would have said […]

Substance Use

I hate that I’m using again. I hate that, as bad as I feel about using, it feels better than not having a substance in my body. I could still be trying to stay 100% abstinent but… why? I usually feel ok for, maybe, 2-4 weeks after I first get clean. Then, the old thoughts […]

Confession

I’ve been using kratom, on and off, for about 2 months now, to keep my heroin urges at bay and reduce my suicidal ideation. It’s been working but keeping it from my roommate has been eating me up inside. So, today I made my confession. I spoke to my therapist first. She told me to […]