Existential Crisis (TW – Suicidal Ideation)

I finally watched the season opener of Doctor Who just now. I spent most of the time trying to relax my jaw which I think has been clenched for a long time (months?). I’m still catching myself and having to consciously unclench it over and over again. I’m a couple days of cannabis and tapering […]

Things Are Getting a Little Better

I almost don’t even want to write that as the title of this entry, less the modest improvement I’m seeing slips away, but I need to document when this happens otherwise I have tremendous difficulty remembering the ‘good times’ when I’m feeling like shit. Sunday was a pretty good day for me for almost the […]

Gratitude

I really do have a pretty comfortable life, from a materialistic point of view, and I thought I’d take a moment to recognize it. I make a good living. I live in a very nice house with fantastic roommates. I have a lot of support, both in my community and from my mental health team, […]

Yes, I’m an Addict

My recovery currently involves my using a couple substances: primarily kratom and, to a lesser extent, marijuana. I have been very careful in my use and track how much I’m using very carefully to hopefully be able to identify if I’m starting to spiral. So far, that’s working well. I have to do that. I […]

I’m Still Crazy, but I’m Not Self-Destructing

The last week has been difficult. It seems my emotional rollercoaster has been redesigned with higher highs, lower lows and moving considerably faster. The good news is that I haven’t done anything rash in response to these feelings. In fact, I actually seem to be doing the ‘right’ thing in response to them every once […]

Off the Rails (Briefly), Manipulative as Fuck (Always)

I tried to use less kratom and more weed today, in and effort to get a similar effect with a different drug cocktail. It didn’t work and I was reminded how I still really don’t much care for being stoned. I wound up very suicidal and craving heroin as a result. I finally returned home […]

So, What Has Changed?

Nine months ago, I was at an AirBnB with my then BFF, getting high (heroin). Tonight, I am at an AirBnB with my now BFF, and am high (kratom, weed, maybe some MDMA tomorrow or the next day). I want to hope, a lot has changed. I really do want to know what’s changed. Some […]