Portland DBT Institute

Portland is home to a health care facility that is ideally suited to my needs. For those unaware, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is considered the ‘gold standard’ for treating Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I’ve acknowledged that, until I treat that primary aspect of my mental illness, the odds of me becoming anorexic again or shooting […]

Journaling More Lately

I’ve been putting pen to paper much more recently (and writing less here as a result). Part of that has to do with privacy. Very few people I know IRL have any idea this blog exists. Of those, I suspect, though I certainly don’t know, that those folks infrequently, or never, read what I write […]

Confused and Unskillful

“Confused and unskillful” is a phrase from the Refuge Recovery text that is used to describe someone who is acting in a way that a western philosophy or religion might describe as bad or evil. The Buddhist phrase is definitely more compassionate, but doesn’t necessarily make me feel any better when I fuck up. I […]

Wherever You Go, There You Are

I’ve been in my new place for nearly a week. It has been immensely helpful. I’m 90% sure I’d be on a run right now, or worse, if I hadn’t left my sober house when I did. The problem is, I’m still me. I still don’t really like myself all that much. I still want […]

Adjusting to New Housemates

I just hope I didn’t pick up bad habits while in sober living for the last 8 months. I am definitely on my best behavior and working to put my best foot forward in my new place. One thing I’ll have to relearn: most people don’t stay up until midnight on work nights. Both of […]

Still a Bit Bulimic

I tried to eat just now. I let my roommate cook me a hamburger (no bun), some squash/zucchini and coleslaw. I then had a cigarette with him and then quietly snuck away to the bathroom in shame to purge. I know I need the calories right now. It was just so much. Fuck. And now […]

Not Good – ED Edition (TW)

Fuck. My eating was very not good today. I ran 7+ miles and didn’t eat anything until 8pm. I decided to go with something that I thought I could eat (Chicken Tikka Masala). I was able to eat, most of it anyway, but I immediately went into autopilot. It was a fucking blur. I honestly […]