Dark Web Redux (TW – Rolling)

This was really hard to write. I started writing it 5 days ago. And I just accidentally erased it but I will do my best to recreate. Trigger Warning: I am rolling hard (MDMA) right now. In a nutshell, on Saturday, my roommate A approached me out back having a cigarette and told me to […]

Off the Rails (Briefly), Manipulative as Fuck (Always)

I tried to use less kratom and more weed today, in and effort to get a similar effect with a different drug cocktail. It didn’t work and I was reminded how I still really don’t much care for being stoned. I wound up very suicidal and craving heroin as a result. I finally returned home […]

Confession

I’ve been using kratom, on and off, for about 2 months now, to keep my heroin urges at bay and reduce my suicidal ideation. It’s been working but keeping it from my roommate has been eating me up inside. So, today I made my confession. I spoke to my therapist first. She told me to […]

Life Insurance

I am ‘high risk’ when it comes to life insurance. I know it will cost me, if I can get it at all. I also know my odds aren’t great. I figure, at best, I have a 95% chance of living the next 12 months. That sounds like a relatively high number but the actual […]

Triggered AF

OMG! I am tremendously triggered at the moment. The day started off ok and I actually did something fairly proactive with respect to protecting myself against a future relapse, which is fantastic. Unfortunately, I think that put the thought in my head and it has been spinning out of control ever since. I mentioned it […]

Falling Apart

Almost everyone seems to think I have my shit together. I, on the other hand, feel like I’m steadily disintegrating and that I’m slipping further into insanity with each passing day. I had an awful day. I was pretty far from rational for a good chunk of the time I was awake today. Actually, when […]

Journaling More Lately

I’ve been putting pen to paper much more recently (and writing less here as a result). Part of that has to do with privacy. Very few people I know IRL have any idea this blog exists. Of those, I suspect, though I certainly don’t know, that those folks infrequently, or never, read what I write […]