Whack-A-Mole

I referenced the whack-a-mole behavior that I go through with symptoms recently. My ability to start Suboxone a few days ago was probably one of the most significant steps I’ve taken to combat that. Today, I started feeling pretty positive about my substance struggles as the medicine really started to kick in. And, as I […]

Coincidence?

Do you believe in coincidence? Serendipity? Synchronicity? A confluence of events? N and I found ourselves sharing a bus today on a line that neither of us rides regularly. We had about 5 minutes to catch up before she had to get off of the bus. She shared that she had just been speaking of […]

In Love (Again)

I feel almost stupid writing this. I fall in love too quickly, too hard and with, probably, not the most appropriate people (love that BPD!). I’ve actually seen this coming for a while. I mean, she has been my ‘favorite person’ for some time. Before I go much further, I should say that she does […]

Things Are Getting a Little Better

I almost don’t even want to write that as the title of this entry, less the modest improvement I’m seeing slips away, but I need to document when this happens otherwise I have tremendous difficulty remembering the ‘good times’ when I’m feeling like shit. Sunday was a pretty good day for me for almost the […]

I Think I’m Starting to Hate Myself Less

(TW – I’m stoned) I was just going to allow myself to do a ‘deep dive’ into my psyche after consuming cannabis. Specifically, I wanted to think about why I have so much self-loathing. As I started in I wondered how it came to pass that I hated myself so much. And I realized I […]

Impulsive Behavior

It’s been a while (I think) since I’ve spoken about E. Here’s a quick recap (since I have yet to figure out an efficient way of searching WordPress blogs): Eating Disordered Heroin Addict. We met at rehab Summer 2017. I helped her come to Portland in December of last year to go to treatment with […]

Dysregulated

I blocked N on my phone about a month ago because every single fucking time we text, I get very dysregulated. Unfortunately, the SMS widget on my computer doesn’t know I blocked it. So, this morning I woke up to and unexpected text and engaged. We actually had what was probably the longest conversation since […]