I blocked N on my phone about a month ago because every single fucking time we text, I get very dysregulated. Unfortunately, the SMS widget on my computer doesn’t know I blocked it. So, this morning I woke up to and unexpected text and engaged. We actually had what was probably the longest conversation since […]

Off the Rails (Briefly), Manipulative as Fuck (Always)

I tried to use less kratom and more weed today, in and effort to get a similar effect with a different drug cocktail. It didn’t work and I was reminded how I still really don’t much care for being stoned. I wound up very suicidal and craving heroin as a result. I finally returned home […]


I’ve been using kratom, on and off, for about 2 months now, to keep my heroin urges at bay and reduce my suicidal ideation. It’s been working but keeping it from my roommate has been eating me up inside. So, today I made my confession. I spoke to my therapist first. She told me to […]

Status Update

[I’ve been journaling with pen and paper much more recently and the blog has dropped off a bit. I feel like I should do a quick update.] So, my wife did not move in with me. She went back and decided that most of the kerfuffle at the ashram was a result of her PTSD […]

DBT Diary Card

I just filled out a DBT skills diary card for the first time in about a year. I briefly saw a therapist in Salt Lake City right around this time last year (yes, I fled New Jersey right around Labor Day last year). I’m approaching it a bit differently this time. Instead of second guessing […]

Problems at Home

One of the stressors that has led to my recent struggles with substances has been difficulty with one of my roommates (B). He is generally a very good guy but he has had difficulty holding up his end of the bargain with respect to the living arrangements. This has been making my other roommate (A) […]

Nootropic Speedball

I am sad. Denying myself my drugs of choice (yay, sobriety!), I turned to nootropics and supplements, kind of like I was doing in Utah last fall. These things certainly don’t get me high in any way, shape or form (i.e., they are not ‘mind altering’). As such, they are perfectly legal and not prohibited, […]