Substance Use

I hate that I’m using again. I hate that, as bad as I feel about using, it feels better than not having a substance in my body. I could still be trying to stay 100% abstinent but… why? I usually feel ok for, maybe, 2-4 weeks after I first get clean. Then, the old thoughts […]

Status Update

[I’ve been journaling with pen and paper much more recently and the blog has dropped off a bit. I feel like I should do a quick update.] So, my wife did not move in with me. She went back and decided that most of the kerfuffle at the ashram was a result of her PTSD […]

Aaand… Now I’m Feeling Suicidal

Coming on the heels of being horrendously triggered a few hours ago (and between one of the multiple sprints I’ve had to make to the bathroom tonight), I was on Facebook and learned that N graduated from treatment yesterday. Again, this occurs exactly 6 months from the day that I mentally fucked her and destroyed […]

Wherever You Go, There You Are

I’ve been in my new place for nearly a week. It has been immensely helpful. I’m 90% sure I’d be on a run right now, or worse, if I hadn’t left my sober house when I did. The problem is, I’m still me. I still don’t really like myself all that much. I still want […]


Yesterday wasn’t a good day. Today is going a little better. I’m not relapsing but that’s mostly due to circumstance (no opportunity, plus potential homelessness). In the last few days, the relationship between my eating disorder and addiction have gone through a sort of inversion. Whereas earlier, allowing myself to engage in some modest anorexic […]


Fucked up Irrational Neurotic Emotional For those of you not as familiar with modern psychological treatment, this acronym is commonly understood amongst the patients and, I assume, the professionals too. Whenever one of us says that “we’re fine”, we are lying. I just read, and identified, with this ( on Pinterest. This in turn made […]