Insanity

I began journaling on April 16th, 2017 and am on to my third journal at this point. The first journal wraps up as I left New Jersey, just before Labor Day of 2017. The second journal picks up with my arrival in Utah and tracks through the end of August 2018 (the last entry actually […]

Existential Crisis (TW – Suicidal Ideation)

I finally watched the season opener of Doctor Who just now. I spent most of the time trying to relax my jaw which I think has been clenched for a long time (months?). I’m still catching myself and having to consciously unclench it over and over again. I’m a couple days of cannabis and tapering […]

Off the Rails Yesterday

So, I was extremely dysregulated yesterday from about 10am to about 10pm. (At least borderline ‘moods’ rarely last more than a day for me). I was triggered by this article about childhood abuse on the website The Mighty. Omg, was I triggered. I turned into a weeping mess for those 12 hours. I am very […]

One Year Ago (TW – photo)

I just came across this photo. It was taken October 7th of last year. At the time, I was a little over halfway through my time in Utah with my family and eagerly exploring the dark web markets I had just unearthed. To those unfamiliar, the marks on my arm near my elbow are track […]

Trying to Find the ‘Gray’

I’m on my way to my EDA meeting and then a Refuge Recovery meeting after that. I’m going because, despite my current substance use and less-than-stellar eating, I am very interested in my recovery. My traditional ‘black and white thinking’ is screaming at me that I am being a horrible hypocrite. The ‘gray’ that I’m […]

Substance Use

I hate that I’m using again. I hate that, as bad as I feel about using, it feels better than not having a substance in my body. I could still be trying to stay 100% abstinent but… why? I usually feel ok for, maybe, 2-4 weeks after I first get clean. Then, the old thoughts […]