Confused AF (TW – ED)

I start treatment (finally) at the Portland DBT Institute tomorrow and thank god for that. As I mentioned in my last post, I stopped self-medicating with cannabis almost a week ago and, after about two days of kratom after that, I stopped using anything… and I am more unsettled than I’ve been in some time. […]

Reestablishing Renunciation

I had a bit of an epiphany last night/this morning. I knew this already, but it was driven home last night when I had the opportunity to use a little meth but was stopped by the person I was with. That realization is that putting any substance in my body makes me want to do […]

Slight Mania

I didn’t really notice it until yesterday but, in retrospect, I’ve been sleeping less for the last couple of months. Not a lot, mind you, but enough. The last two nights, I slept 4 and 5 hours, respectively. And, I’ve been feeling pretty good. So, I guess I’ve got a mild manic episode underway right […]

Borderline Personality Disorder

I had a lengthy conversation with my wife this evening. We settled into a detailed conversation about my borderline personality disorder and it was pretty interesting. First, let me go back and say that all my major self-destructive behaviors (drug abuse, eating disorder, cutting, etc) are all merely the most obvious symptoms of my BPD. […]

Confused and Unskillful

“Confused and unskillful” is a phrase from the Refuge Recovery text that is used to describe someone who is acting in a way that a western philosophy or religion might describe as bad or evil. The Buddhist phrase is definitely more compassionate, but doesn’t necessarily make me feel any better when I fuck up. I […]

Breaking Bad

I binge watched the first four seasons of Breaking Bad in rehab this summer. Granted, it probably wasn’t the best choice of programming for that particular venue, but I was manic at the time and only sleeping about 3 hours every night. So, pretty much every morning, from 2am to 6am, I would curl up […]

Mania and the Dark Web

I think I’ve been trending toward manic the last few days. It may be being caused by my diet (anorexia can trigger mania) or vice versa. It’s all tied in together. Closely coupled, also, to my mania is me shopping on the dark web. Before I go any further, I want to state in no […]