ED Side Note

It seems my anorexia has snuck back up on me. In retrospect, it began well before the conversation 10 days ago that opened me up to using certain substances in addition to kratom, though I do think the drug use since then is exacerbating it somewhat. Most of my use of weed over this time […]

Trying to Find the ‘Gray’

I’m on my way to my EDA meeting and then a Refuge Recovery meeting after that. I’m going because, despite my current substance use and less-than-stellar eating, I am very interested in my recovery. My traditional ‘black and white thinking’ is screaming at me that I am being a horrible hypocrite. The ‘gray’ that I’m […]

Substance Use

I hate that I’m using again. I hate that, as bad as I feel about using, it feels better than not having a substance in my body. I could still be trying to stay 100% abstinent but… why? I usually feel ok for, maybe, 2-4 weeks after I first get clean. Then, the old thoughts […]

First Proper Use of Psychedelics

Today was my birthday. As part of the celebration, I partook of two substances I have never used before: MDMA and LSD, both by themselves and combined (candy-flipping). My lifetime fears of a bad trip are gone. I’m still tripping pretty hard right now. I’m settling in to chill for the remainder of the evening, […]

Off the Rails (Briefly), Manipulative as Fuck (Always)

I tried to use less kratom and more weed today, in and effort to get a similar effect with a different drug cocktail. It didn’t work and I was reminded how I still really don’t much care for being stoned. I wound up very suicidal and craving heroin as a result. I finally returned home […]

So, What Has Changed?

Nine months ago, I was at an AirBnB with my then BFF, getting high (heroin). Tonight, I am at an AirBnB with my now BFF, and am high (kratom, weed, maybe some MDMA tomorrow or the next day). I want to hope, a lot has changed. I really do want to know what’s changed. Some […]

Through the Looking Glass

In less than 24 hours, I have had my idea of what my recovery should look like turned completely upside down. Yesterday, after the highly emotional conversation with my roommate, new ground rules were established that allowed and, to a certain extent (in the name of harm reduction), encouraged the use of certain substances in […]