I’m Still Crazy, but I’m Not Self-Destructing

The last week has been difficult. It seems my emotional rollercoaster has been redesigned with higher highs, lower lows and moving considerably faster. The good news is that I haven’t done anything rash in response to these feelings. In fact, I actually seem to be doing the ‘right’ thing in response to them every once […]

Impulsive Behavior

It’s been a while (I think) since I’ve spoken about E. Here’s a quick recap (since I have yet to figure out an efficient way of searching WordPress blogs): Eating Disordered Heroin Addict. We met at rehab Summer 2017. I helped her come to Portland in December of last year to go to treatment with […]

Why I Use

I’ve learned a lot about drugs and addiction over the last several years. 12 step programs will tell you that this knowledge will not keep you clean and, by their standard, they’ve been correct (at least for me). When I started using, if asked why I was doing it, I imagine I would have said […]

Dysregulated

I blocked N on my phone about a month ago because every single fucking time we text, I get very dysregulated. Unfortunately, the SMS widget on my computer doesn’t know I blocked it. So, this morning I woke up to and unexpected text and engaged. We actually had what was probably the longest conversation since […]

Trying to Find the ‘Gray’

I’m on my way to my EDA meeting and then a Refuge Recovery meeting after that. I’m going because, despite my current substance use and less-than-stellar eating, I am very interested in my recovery. My traditional ‘black and white thinking’ is screaming at me that I am being a horrible hypocrite. The ‘gray’ that I’m […]

Off the Rails (Briefly), Manipulative as Fuck (Always)

I tried to use less kratom and more weed today, in and effort to get a similar effect with a different drug cocktail. It didn’t work and I was reminded how I still really don’t much care for being stoned. I wound up very suicidal and craving heroin as a result. I finally returned home […]

Confession

I’ve been using kratom, on and off, for about 2 months now, to keep my heroin urges at bay and reduce my suicidal ideation. It’s been working but keeping it from my roommate has been eating me up inside. So, today I made my confession. I spoke to my therapist first. She told me to […]