Dial It Back

I’ve been holding off on writing a bit because I have been at a loss for words recently. It turns out that the mere act of ordering substances online triggered me far worse than I anticipated. When the first thing arrived on Thursday (MDMA), I instantly forgot about using these things to try to improve […]

Dark Web Redux (TW – Rolling)

This was really hard to write. I started writing it 5 days ago. And I just accidentally erased it but I will do my best to recreate. Trigger Warning: I am rolling hard (MDMA) right now. In a nutshell, on Saturday, my roommate A approached me out back having a cigarette and told me to […]

One Year Ago (TW – photo)

I just came across this photo. It was taken October 7th of last year. At the time, I was a little over halfway through my time in Utah with my family and eagerly exploring the dark web markets I had just unearthed. To those unfamiliar, the marks on my arm near my elbow are track […]

Off the Rails (Briefly), Manipulative as Fuck (Always)

I tried to use less kratom and more weed today, in and effort to get a similar effect with a different drug cocktail. It didn’t work and I was reminded how I still really don’t much care for being stoned. I wound up very suicidal and craving heroin as a result. I finally returned home […]

Through the Looking Glass

In less than 24 hours, I have had my idea of what my recovery should look like turned completely upside down. Yesterday, after the highly emotional conversation with my roommate, new ground rules were established that allowed and, to a certain extent (in the name of harm reduction), encouraged the use of certain substances in […]

Fuck Eating

So, I shared with one of my housemates (A) about my recent eating and subsequent urges to use. I also told her I’m going to start restricting again to try to prevent me going on a run and fucking up my life. She’s super supportive of me and understands the ‘harm reduction’ aspect of choosing […]

Wherever You Go, There You Are

I’ve been in my new place for nearly a week. It has been immensely helpful. I’m 90% sure I’d be on a run right now, or worse, if I hadn’t left my sober house when I did. The problem is, I’m still me. I still don’t really like myself all that much. I still want […]